Talking About the 'D' Word

During most of my life, I've always felt some sort of presence shadowing over me. Some days it feels distant, other days its like an attention seeking pet, always there begging for attention. Of course, I'm talking about Depression. Throughout a lot of my early life I was bullied, and its always something thats given me a lack of confidence. I've got better over the years, but most social activities I find mentally exhausting and find myself needing days alone to recuperate from them. Going into self employment hasn't helped, the stress of trying to keep things going and wondering where your next bit of money will come from can be incredibly straining, but its also given me something to aim for.

Earlier this year, I tried counselling for the first time ever. While I didn't even go into any of the detail I wanted to, I felt like I'd opened up for the first time in a long time, and it was a bizarre experience. I waited for a bus to head home, where the bus was getting full and I couldn't bring myself to be among so many people so I waited for another bus. I was shaking, and I felt tired. Part of me felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders, the other part of me felt like I could never do that again. 

Theres a lot of things that have led to this, but I don't trust people easily. Whether through relationships or old 'friends' who no longer deserve the word, there have been people that have let me down. I don't look back at them and wish bad things upon them, we've all done wrong and its through mistakes we learn to better in the future. Sometimes things will happen and remind me, and I close up not wanting anyone near me and just needing to be alone to think about things. Its how I've always dealt with things, and its probably how I always will as opening up to people, even those I trust deeply, is just too hard. I know everyone goes through bad things and the thought of heaping my issues on someone else just doesn't seem fair, even though I know its possibly for the best as I've always tried to be there for people and see how much it helps as they tell me about things.

Growing up in South Wales and with how things currently are, I'm not alone in the matter either. People I know and love are also suffering from depression and its a worry. I sometimes wonder if its contagious and perhaps I'm responsible somehow, but thats more from negative thinking due to the depression. I've not felt sad from it for a while, but I always seem to feel indifferent about anything, be it good or bad, and motivation can never be found.

Life has its ups and downs, I always try to be positive but it can be so exhausting being around people trying to remain this way while underneath the skin its a struggle to sometimes even do simple tasks. Motivation always seems to disappear, its as if you're treading water and you can't be bothered to make the effort anymore and want to let yourself sink. The feeling of indifference can be a struggle to. Whether good or bad things happen, I often feel like I don't care in the way I should. I sometimes wonder if I'm heartless or un-sensitive, but then other times I feel like I'm back to normal.

I think depression affects us in many ways, and trying to find positive ways to deal with it is the key, its just finding those things are so often out of reach. If you suffer with depression, please feel free to talk about it on the comments and what you go through. Learning other peoples experiences can only be a help even if to just know others suffer with relatable probelsm. 

Late Night Typings: Imagination

I've always found myself better at conversing through the keyboard as opposed to speaking. I'm not sure what it is, perhaps its being able to think more about what I'm about to say instead of the more instand nature of talking. It could be that seeing words gives you their full form, as if, like me, when you read the words its almost as if you hear them too. I've always done my most deepest of thinking sessions when the sun is at its lowest. Theres something about about blackness I find interesting, in that I see more then when there is light. My imagination has always been rather large and random, it was always an escape mechanism as a child when feeling low or having been bullied. 'Well Kev, real life sucks why not make something better?' It wasn't difficult to do at times, but it was certainly rewarding and more exciting. I wish I'd kept a diary though, noted these thoughts down so I could return and know more about me as a child than I am able to remember. I think as humans, we only remember the good and the bad, sometimes just one depending on what our childhood was like. What about the other times? I tried keeping a diary a few years ago but it didn't seem like it was for me. Having to note something everyday felt like a chore. I don't feel inspired every day, sometimes I feel bewildered and tired by the world and want nothing of it. Other days its the most amazing place to be, full of hope and love and all I want is to embrace its beauty. 

Before I go on, I will warn you, I don't have a clever end to this post. This is a ramble of sorts, a late night attempt to get out thoughts onto page and see what others may think. Some may relate to this, others may be confused and find it tedious. Both, are fine. 

Back on track then, and imagination. I don't get into much tv, movies or literature, but when I do its my passion. It has to have something that grabs me by the hand and pulls me through, not letting me go and myself not wanting to be released to not know the next path of a journey. If I'm not getting into someone elses tales then I'm making my own up. What lies behind that door? What could be in the depths of that mist? What would happen if mythical beasts reappeared and attacked the local areas? Having used my imagination to get by as a child, I find it still holds a great hold over me now, even in my mid thirties. I still wonder what a door could hide and what insane events could doom the world, most often when I lay my head down to sleep. The darkness is feared by most, but for me its a canvas. Nothing, apart from myself, can spoil what my mind will create. Be it alternate versions of events from that day to being inserted into a film and imagining what I may do in that situation, the mind is always active. Even when asleep, it continues the process. 

When I was around the age of 13-14, my sister met someone and they've since been married almost 20 years. During the time they were dating however my broher in law Mutley gave me a mix tape introducing me to music I actually connected with. There were two lines in a song that grasped my one working ear...

"Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire, and of things that will bite"

Enter Sandman, Metallica. I'd never really got into music until that moment, but those lyrics meant something to me and most of my childhood. It got me listening to more and more of Metallica and theres no other band I've connected with. They didn't just catch my imagination, they fuel'ed it. Another thing my bro-in-law has to be found guilty of, is my love of tabletop. 'Fancy playing some Space Crusade?' he once said. I accepted, and have become addicted since. From Space Crusade to 'American Football with orcs and elves' aka the perfection that is Blood Bowl, seeing these little models on the board and imagining them doing the things I rolled dice for just captivated me. Over the last 4-5 years this has grown so much, as I've found a community local to me that also feel a similar thing and we meet up regularly to play such games. Just before Xmas last year we started giving D&D a go, Dungeons and Dragons if you didn't know. Pen and paper roleplaying, and that too has been fantastic.

Imagination has been one of the biggest things in my life. I want it to continue to shape me, I want to grow inside its wonder and limitless ideals. I crave having my attention grabbed by other peoples stories and tales that I can relate too, be it Game of Thrones, Metallica, the cartoons and universes I loved as a child or ones yet to be created. I hope anyone reading this has a similar train of thought when it comes to imagination, the one thing I cannot imagine is not being able to imagine at all.