Sunday 15 May 2016

Talking About the 'D' Word

During most of my life, I've always felt some sort of presence shadowing over me. Some days it feels distant, other days its like an attention seeking pet, always there begging for attention. Of course, I'm talking about Depression. Throughout a lot of my early life I was bullied, and its always something thats given me a lack of confidence. I've got better over the years, but most social activities I find mentally exhausting and find myself needing days alone to recuperate from them. Going into self employment hasn't helped, the stress of trying to keep things going and wondering where your next bit of money will come from can be incredibly straining, but its also given me something to aim for.

Earlier this year, I tried counselling for the first time ever. While I didn't even go into any of the detail I wanted to, I felt like I'd opened up for the first time in a long time, and it was a bizarre experience. I waited for a bus to head home, where the bus was getting full and I couldn't bring myself to be among so many people so I waited for another bus. I was shaking, and I felt tired. Part of me felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders, the other part of me felt like I could never do that again. 

Theres a lot of things that have led to this, but I don't trust people easily. Whether through relationships or old 'friends' who no longer deserve the word, there have been people that have let me down. I don't look back at them and wish bad things upon them, we've all done wrong and its through mistakes we learn to better in the future. Sometimes things will happen and remind me, and I close up not wanting anyone near me and just needing to be alone to think about things. Its how I've always dealt with things, and its probably how I always will as opening up to people, even those I trust deeply, is just too hard. I know everyone goes through bad things and the thought of heaping my issues on someone else just doesn't seem fair, even though I know its possibly for the best as I've always tried to be there for people and see how much it helps as they tell me about things.

Growing up in South Wales and with how things currently are, I'm not alone in the matter either. People I know and love are also suffering from depression and its a worry. I sometimes wonder if its contagious and perhaps I'm responsible somehow, but thats more from negative thinking due to the depression. I've not felt sad from it for a while, but I always seem to feel indifferent about anything, be it good or bad, and motivation can never be found.

Life has its ups and downs, I always try to be positive but it can be so exhausting being around people trying to remain this way while underneath the skin its a struggle to sometimes even do simple tasks. Motivation always seems to disappear, its as if you're treading water and you can't be bothered to make the effort anymore and want to let yourself sink. The feeling of indifference can be a struggle to. Whether good or bad things happen, I often feel like I don't care in the way I should. I sometimes wonder if I'm heartless or un-sensitive, but then other times I feel like I'm back to normal.

I think depression affects us in many ways, and trying to find positive ways to deal with it is the key, its just finding those things are so often out of reach. If you suffer with depression, please feel free to talk about it on the comments and what you go through. Learning other peoples experiences can only be a help even if to just know others suffer with relatable probelsm. 

No comments:

Post a Comment